A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly.
"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously,
"Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
A man gets up one morning to find his wife cooking.He looks in the pan to see one of his socks."What are you doing"He asks. "Exactly what you asked me to do when you came to bed drunk last night" Puzzled the man walks away thinking to himself"I dont remember askin her to cook my sock"
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels. He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builder today & said to him "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo". He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked. Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.
Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.
“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention” ― Kahlil Gibran
old guy and wife go to Israel, she dies and they ask if he wants her buried there, 100 bucks or shipped home for a thousand. ship her home he says. why? they wonder...awhile back a guy was buried here and came back to life...I ain't takin' no chances.
A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
A bar is empty except for two patrons. One of them staggers over to the other and says, "How's it going? Where you from?" The other guy says "Ireland." The first drunk says "That's cool! I'm from Ireland too! Let's have a round for Ireland!" They both drink merrily. Then the first guy says "So where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin." "Dublin? Awesome! I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another round for Dublin!" Once again, they both drink merrily. Then the first guy asks, "So where did you go to school?" "St. Mary's, class of '62" answers the other guy. "Incredible! I graduated in '62 from St. Mary's, too! Let's have a round for St. Mary's!" Once again, they suck down another round.
Just then, one of the bar regulars walks in and sits at the bar. He asks the bartender, "So what's going on today?" The bartender answers, "Nothing... The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping up and down unclothed on her bed, squealing with delight.
Her husband enters the room, watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old arse?'
Post by onewhiteduck on Sept 11, 2008 15:24:33 GMT
Dee Palmer has decided she wants to go back to being plain old Dave. The reverse sex change operation, astrapadictomy (its full medical term) will take later later this week at a private hospital in London.
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind but I do have one more question.'
'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over.........'
“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention” ― Kahlil Gibran
crosseyedmary75: Once in Royal David's City Stood a lowly cattle shed Where a mother laid her baby You'd do well to remember the things He later said. Could have held Him in one hand. The things He would later say became the backbone of Western Civilization.
Dec 28, 2019 3:45:41 GMT
crosseyedmary75: 2,000 years later, we have His words. We know what He said. Ian sang, And the all-time winner Has got him by the balls He picks up Gideons Bible Open at page one, I thank God he stole the handle and the train it won't stop going Headlong to his death. Why?
Dec 28, 2019 4:01:18 GMT
crosseyedmary75: Thanks for the welcome. Thanks to Martin and to each well-wisher for the season and the new year. How cool is it to share our appreciation for the greatest band of all time! TULL fans must also be unique. We know this group of men is a most special gift
Dec 28, 2019 20:23:46 GMT
rredmond: Welcome crosseyedmary75!! And joemer, big ups to Philly from South Jersey! And when we're no longer here, our friends will be drinking all the beer!
Dec 31, 2019 13:23:40 GMT
snaffler: Its a few years since ive been on this forum, but i'd like to belatedly wish a Happy New Year to all members. I haven't listened to Jethro Tull for a long time. I needed a break.
Jan 3, 2020 21:14:14 GMT
steelmonkey: Estimated time when I will get tired of 'A Change of Horses': NEVER
Jan 11, 2020 23:44:39 GMT
maddogfagin: Feel the same way about "Budapest" - who else but IA could have composed that song.
Jan 12, 2020 14:50:11 GMT
steelmonkey: I love Budapest,too...but to answer your question, Knopfler came damn close with 'Private Investigations' !
Jan 14, 2020 2:22:41 GMT
nonrabbit: I've written a thesis on your very thoughts Chairman Steel
Jan 15, 2020 11:07:39 GMT
steelmonkey: Please forwad results of your research to the central commitee for review.
Jan 16, 2020 20:15:29 GMT
maddogfagin: Ash: I've left a private message for you
Jan 18, 2020 7:29:53 GMT
babbie00: Are the images of the filming available anywhere else. They no longer seem to appear here.
Jan 19, 2020 4:32:50 GMT
ash: maddogfagin; I replied
Jan 27, 2020 18:32:13 GMT
maddogfagin: ash; ditto, snap and advance but do not go pass go
Jan 28, 2020 15:41:35 GMT
ash: maddogfagin; I've been busy
Feb 2, 2020 10:32:49 GMT
steelmonkey: Good News...just signed in from new computer at new job....this means hours of Tull fun, on the clock. Small silver lining on the dark cloud of return to full time work.
Feb 4, 2020 21:32:15 GMT