An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.
The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "Damn he's pissing in the fridge again!"
Albert and his wife Nora went to the local fair every year.
Each year Albert would say, “Nora, I’d like to ride in that helicopter” Nora always replied, “ I know, Albert, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid!”
One year Albert and Nora went to the fair, and Albert started his usual spiel, “Nora, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To this, Nora replied, “Albert that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “ Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the pair of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire flight and don’t say a word, I won’t charge you a shilling! But if you say one word, it’ll cost you fifty pounds.”
Albert and Nora agreed and up they went. The pilot did all manner of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, even flying upside down. When they landed, the pilot turned to Albert and said, “By jingo, I did everything I could to get you to scream out, but you didn’t. I’m so impressed!”
Albert replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said somethin' when Nora fell out, but fifty quid is fifty quid!”
Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it? Signed, Perplexed
A man walks into a Florida bar and finds they’re holding a contest. The bartender tells him the details: ‘First you have to drink three bottles of moonshine. Second, you go out back and pull a sore tooth out the mouth of my pet ’gator. And last, you have to go upstairs and have sex with Ma Jackson, the town’s oldest, ugliest prostitute. If you can do all that in one hour and stay conscious, you win a year’s supply of beer.’ ‘Sounds tough,’ says the man, ‘but I’ll give it a go.’ The man drinks the three bottles of moonshine then, completely plastered, staggers out back to find the ’gator. After half an hour of crashes and screaming, the man crawls back covered in bruises and cuts, ‘Okay,’ slurs the man. ‘Sho were ish the old broad wid the bad tooth?’
1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee..
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5.Law of the Al ibi- If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time)..
7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of bio mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.
They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it..
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention” ― Kahlil Gibran
Important Law relating to overconfidence: Never buy in bulk...if it's pet food, the pet will die or run away...if it's condoms, the girl will leave.
That might be statute but there's another law which says you should be overconfident and not hesitate when it comes to betting on a horse, in particular, a horse called Somersby who came to your attention seconds after posting Summerday Sands on Saturday - it won and I didn't
This is claimed to be a genuine memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees. It went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem.
To whom this may concern Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention” ― Kahlil Gibran
A man received the following text from his neighbour:.. I am so sorry Bob. I'm riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been taking advantage of your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. ..The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. ..A few moments later, a second text came in: ..Damn predictive text...! I meant "wifi", not "wife"
theothertull: WNY mental health guru: The power of song brings clarity, eases pandemic stress
Apr 1, 2021 13:08:21 GMT
steelmonkey: Music IS the best medicine...and Tull the best of the best. If Tull lyrics were studied like religious texts and Tull songs picked as national anthems, I would at least believe I had been sent to the right planet.
Apr 2, 2021 17:37:59 GMT
steelmonkey: Mexico bound in a couple days. Flying to La Paz ( in Baja, not Bolivia) for sole purpose of hitchhiking 1200 miles back north to land border and hopefully not get trapped and unable to catch planned flight back from San Diego.
Apr 5, 2021 1:14:18 GMT
tetval36: Yeah i know Tulls stuff inside out and know its definitely NOT Tull as i said.Maybe PFM or some other Italian Prog band?
Apr 8, 2021 13:08:10 GMT
steelmonkey: Back from sunny Mexico. Sanity oasis was nice...return to work and baseline California hysteria less so. Covid response without media shark-a-nado clickbait and politicians who are either deniers or saviors was an eye opening perspective.
Apr 16, 2021 0:40:14 GMT
nrg: Just got the A box. "A"mazing! The Steven Wilson mix is incredible. Enjoyed the Slipstream video as well. I just wish they offered the entire show on video.
Apr 17, 2021 19:34:34 GMT
botanicman: Hey folks- Am I the only one among us that likes the extended version of "Orion"?
Apr 28, 2021 13:46:36 GMT
steelmonkey: I love long Orion !
May 1, 2021 15:53:46 GMT
rredmond: Orion is good stuff.
May 6, 2021 13:53:56 GMT
jackinthegreen: I'm having a memory blank......has Benefit had the book version done yet?
May 6, 2021 23:50:23 GMT
Catqualung: jackinthegreen, as far as I know the book box set of Benefit is still due to be realized, but it has not appeared yet, as well that of Broadsword and the Beast, they should be the next in the row
May 8, 2021 7:36:47 GMT
jackinthegreen: Thanks Catqualung, yes, I'm sure that's the case, it will be out this year I would think
May 8, 2021 8:48:53 GMT
theothertull: Didn't know if I should laugh or cry, pathetic or what, "I played with Paul McCartney; well like a demo, no one has ever heard it, but it's big Japan. Can't remember if Paul was in the studio at the time of the demo, but ya mate, John, Paul, Ringo and I."
May 8, 2021 14:58:23 GMT
distantre: Hello Everyone and Happy Spring if it has reached where you live yet.
May 11, 2021 16:53:18 GMT
steelmonkey: Spring has sprung in California...or, at least, here in the land of two seasons, 'not rainy season' has begun.
May 15, 2021 20:48:54 GMT
steelmonkey: 'Walk Into Light' cued up as my headphone delivered soundtrack for bike ride home on empty streets at 3:00AM after 10 hour shift ends in 5 more hours.. True reward.
May 17, 2021 4:30:04 GMT