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Post by onewhiteduck on Jun 29, 2011 22:33:57 GMT
Talking of Doctors this made me laugh...........
An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.
The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "Damn he's pissing in the fridge again!"
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Post by nonrabbit on Aug 3, 2011 13:47:28 GMT
Albert and his wife Nora went to the local fair every year.
Each year Albert would say, “Nora, I’d like to ride in that helicopter” Nora always replied, “ I know, Albert, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid!”
One year Albert and Nora went to the fair, and Albert started his usual spiel, “Nora, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To this, Nora replied, “Albert that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “ Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the pair of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire flight and don’t say a word, I won’t charge you a shilling! But if you say one word, it’ll cost you fifty pounds.”
Albert and Nora agreed and up they went. The pilot did all manner of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, even flying upside down. When they landed, the pilot turned to Albert and said, “By jingo, I did everything I could to get you to scream out, but you didn’t. I’m so impressed!”
Albert replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said somethin' when Nora fell out, but fifty quid is fifty quid!”
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Post by nonrabbit on Jan 10, 2012 20:33:17 GMT
i41.images obliterated by tinypic/2s9dfgy.jpg[/IMG]
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Post by onewhiteduck on Jan 10, 2012 20:49:36 GMT
Nice one NR. Remindwed me of this...............
Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it? Signed, Perplexed
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Post by futureshock on Jan 17, 2012 4:50:30 GMT
A man walks into a Florida bar and finds they’re holding a contest. The bartender tells him the details: ‘First you have to drink three bottles of moonshine. Second, you go out back and pull a sore tooth out the mouth of my pet ’gator. And last, you have to go upstairs and have sex with Ma Jackson, the town’s oldest, ugliest prostitute. If you can do all that in one hour and stay conscious, you win a year’s supply of beer.’ ‘Sounds tough,’ says the man, ‘but I’ll give it a go.’ The man drinks the three bottles of moonshine then, completely plastered, staggers out back to find the ’gator. After half an hour of crashes and screaming, the man crawls back covered in bruises and cuts, ‘Okay,’ slurs the man. ‘Sho were ish the old broad wid the bad tooth?’
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Post by maddogfagin on Jan 23, 2012 8:34:19 GMT
UNIVERSAL LAWS:
1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee..
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5.Law of the Al ibi- If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time)..
7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of bio mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.
They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it..
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
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Post by steelmonkey on Jan 23, 2012 19:28:21 GMT
Important Law relating to overconfidence: Never buy in bulk...if it's pet food, the pet will die or run away...if it's condoms, the girl will leave.
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Post by nonrabbit on Jan 23, 2012 22:00:48 GMT
Important Law relating to overconfidence: Never buy in bulk...if it's pet food, the pet will die or run away...if it's condoms, the girl will leave. That might be statute but there's another law which says you should be overconfident and not hesitate when it comes to betting on a horse, in particular, a horse called Somersby who came to your attention seconds after posting Summerday Sands on Saturday - it won and I didn't
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Post by steelmonkey on Jan 23, 2012 22:09:34 GMT
13 horses that also ran ( also ran )
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hipflaskandy
Journeyman
OK - this was a while back!
Posts: 223
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Post by hipflaskandy on Jan 24, 2012 9:47:32 GMT
A horse walks into a bar... the barman says ' Why the long film?'
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Post by nonrabbit on Jan 24, 2012 9:51:43 GMT
A horse walks into a bar... the barman says ' Why the long film?' ;D ;D I've only read good things about it - up till now
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hipflaskandy
Journeyman
OK - this was a while back!
Posts: 223
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Post by hipflaskandy on Jan 24, 2012 9:54:54 GMT
A horse walks into a bar... the barman says ' Why the long film?' ;D ;D I've only read good things about it - up till now Not saying it aint good - just like the joke, y' ken.
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Post by nonrabbit on Jan 24, 2012 10:06:06 GMT
;D ;D I've only read good things about it - up till now Not saying it aint good - just like the joke, y' ken. Aye Ken ;D ;D
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Post by steelmonkey on Jan 24, 2012 16:37:49 GMT
Aye Barbie...oh sorry, wrong thread
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Post by nonrabbit on Jul 6, 2012 16:29:42 GMT
A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells "Don't enter that church, you daft prat , its a trap!!''
His wife asks him ''What are you watching ?'' Husband replies "Our wedding video"
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Post by nonrabbit on Jul 31, 2012 16:59:49 GMT
Couldn't put this on my FB page as my eighty year old auntie's there i45.images obliterated by tinypic/1532w0i.jpg[/IMG]
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Post by maddogfagin on Sept 1, 2012 17:35:21 GMT
How to Replace Mouse Balls
This is claimed to be a genuine memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees. It went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem.
To whom this may concern Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
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Post by nonrabbit on Jan 20, 2013 10:57:21 GMT
Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting Monday.
The deal is called Only Fuel and Horses!!!
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Post by maddogfagin on Jan 20, 2013 11:20:31 GMT
Went into our local fast food restaurant and ordered a burger and chips. The guy behind the counter asked "do you want anything on your burger ?".
I replied "yes, £5 each way please"
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Post by nonrabbit on Jan 20, 2013 15:10:00 GMT
and they're off....... i50.images obliterated by tinypic/2hwfzn4.jpg[/IMG]
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Post by rredmond on Jan 20, 2013 21:37:07 GMT
Fah stop with your silly jokes. Tesco is saying that the sale of their burgers remain stable!!
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Post by nonrabbit on Jan 20, 2013 21:59:34 GMT
Fah stop with your silly jokes. Tesco is saying that the sale of their burgers remain stable!! ;D ;D ;D
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Post by maddogfagin on Feb 5, 2013 18:16:35 GMT
I see they've assembled the skeleton of Richard III - nice when a plantagenet comes together.
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Post by rredmond on Feb 6, 2013 11:12:59 GMT
;D
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Post by nonrabbit on Mar 7, 2013 14:59:35 GMT
Apparently, The Wonderstuff’s Size Of A Cow contains traces of Jethro Tull’s Heavy Horses.
;D
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Post by bunkerfan on Jun 23, 2013 16:04:38 GMT
The police turn up at Paddy's house. His wife Mrs Murphy answers the door.
"Mrs Murphy we have terrible news. Paddy has fallen into one of the Guinness vats at the brewery and drowned. "
Holding back the tears she asks if he died quickly.
"We don't think so Mrs Murphy" replied the officer, he apparently got out 3 times for a piss! "
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Post by JTull 007 on Jun 23, 2013 16:51:31 GMT
The police turn up at Paddy's house. His wife Mrs Murphy answers the door. "Mrs Murphy we have terrible news. Paddy has fallen into one of the Guinness vats at the brewery and drowned. " Holding back the tears she asks if he died quickly. "We don't think so Mrs Murphy" replied the officer, he apparently got out 3 times for a piss! " LOL! Moderation in all things...
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Post by maddogfagin on Jan 7, 2014 14:12:41 GMT
It's a beautiful summer's day and two tourists are driving through Wales . At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch, they stopped for lunch. One said to the waitress
"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us by pronouncing where we are but very, very, very slowly please?"
The girl leaned over and said,'Burrr...gurrr...king'
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Post by madmission on Sept 28, 2015 18:20:00 GMT
A man received the following text from his neighbour:.. I am so sorry Bob. I'm riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been taking advantage of your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. ..The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. ..A few moments later, a second text came in: ..Damn predictive text...! I meant "wifi", not "wife"
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Post by bunkerfan on Oct 14, 2015 18:14:22 GMT
Apologies to our Irish members.
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