An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.
The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "Damn he's pissing in the fridge again!"
Albert and his wife Nora went to the local fair every year.
Each year Albert would say, “Nora, I’d like to ride in that helicopter” Nora always replied, “ I know, Albert, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid!”
One year Albert and Nora went to the fair, and Albert started his usual spiel, “Nora, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To this, Nora replied, “Albert that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “ Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the pair of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire flight and don’t say a word, I won’t charge you a shilling! But if you say one word, it’ll cost you fifty pounds.”
Albert and Nora agreed and up they went. The pilot did all manner of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, even flying upside down. When they landed, the pilot turned to Albert and said, “By jingo, I did everything I could to get you to scream out, but you didn’t. I’m so impressed!”
Albert replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said somethin' when Nora fell out, but fifty quid is fifty quid!”
Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it? Signed, Perplexed
A man walks into a Florida bar and finds they’re holding a contest. The bartender tells him the details: ‘First you have to drink three bottles of moonshine. Second, you go out back and pull a sore tooth out the mouth of my pet ’gator. And last, you have to go upstairs and have sex with Ma Jackson, the town’s oldest, ugliest prostitute. If you can do all that in one hour and stay conscious, you win a year’s supply of beer.’ ‘Sounds tough,’ says the man, ‘but I’ll give it a go.’ The man drinks the three bottles of moonshine then, completely plastered, staggers out back to find the ’gator. After half an hour of crashes and screaming, the man crawls back covered in bruises and cuts, ‘Okay,’ slurs the man. ‘Sho were ish the old broad wid the bad tooth?’
1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee..
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5.Law of the Al ibi- If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time)..
7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of bio mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.
They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it..
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention” ― Kahlil Gibran
Important Law relating to overconfidence: Never buy in bulk...if it's pet food, the pet will die or run away...if it's condoms, the girl will leave.
That might be statute but there's another law which says you should be overconfident and not hesitate when it comes to betting on a horse, in particular, a horse called Somersby who came to your attention seconds after posting Summerday Sands on Saturday - it won and I didn't
This is claimed to be a genuine memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees. It went to all field engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem.
To whom this may concern Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention” ― Kahlil Gibran
A man received the following text from his neighbour:.. I am so sorry Bob. I'm riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been taking advantage of your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. ..The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. ..A few moments later, a second text came in: ..Damn predictive text...! I meant "wifi", not "wife"
steelmonkey: Thank You for interview and interview sharing. Very Cool.
Apr 21, 2020 2:31:28 GMT
futureshock: Hello again! I hope everyone is staying healthy and applying their newfound isolation-affected times and circumstances to beneficial activities so that years from now we can all tell younger generations how we survived this ordeal smartly as best possible!
May 6, 2020 20:01:02 GMT
nonrabbit: Hello Futureshock! Great to hear from you. Hope you're staying healthy too....a metre apart from any other human (animal?) that tries to cross you path. I'm a librarian in a public library and we've asking people to make a diary of their experiences.....
May 8, 2020 19:20:30 GMT
nonrabbit: in lockdown so that the next generation/s will get detailed answers when they say " What did you do in the Covid lockdown Granda/ Granny"...."Well Sonny, I bought a hell of a lot of toilet paper" Stay safe Futureshock and see you here soon!!
May 8, 2020 19:23:09 GMT
botanicman: IA did an interview with Dan Rather where he revealed publicly that he has COPD.
May 12, 2020 20:39:28 GMT
chester: Do any of you [my fellow JT Forum members] miss watching live sporting events on TV, because of the virus, as much as I do?
May 14, 2020 19:49:33 GMT
steelmonkey: I miss reading about the Golden State Warriors and St Pauli in the second Bundesliga. I keep an eye on the baseball 'A's and the Brazil team, Botoafogo. My EPL Team is Tot Spurs and I take the time to hate two teams :HSV in Germany and Man United.
May 14, 2020 20:44:37 GMT
maddogfagin: Miss the sport on tv especially the football and now that summer is upon us the cricket. I fear that things will take a year or two to get back to how it was before all this shenanigans.
May 15, 2020 6:04:06 GMT
steelmonkey: I miss some watching and reading about sports but not enough to suddenly get interested in the Belarus Football League or Taiwanese baseball. Fans are going pretty far for a fix.
May 16, 2020 20:03:25 GMT
chester: I don't watch very much BUNDESLIGA, but it has returned after two months, with NO FANS allowed in the stadiums. I am starting to follow UFC mixed martial arts, which has returned as well.
May 17, 2020 1:02:36 GMT
tullmatrix: Is there some way to still get the Passion Play complete midi? I pasted the link into my browser and got a message that i was forbidden.
May 17, 2020 23:23:50 GMT
botanicman: Chester, The Plague has made me realize how little I actually do care about sports. I might not spend the time to watch when they do return!
May 19, 2020 11:48:30 GMT
pbinlostangeles: For us in So Cal, first time since 1974 no Long Beach Grand Prix and - apparently - no Indy 500. At least not on Memorial Day. Hopefully, they'll get this virus crud figured out before the start of MotoGP season
May 19, 2020 20:15:30 GMT
chester: NASCAR has restarted it's 2020 season but, like German soccer, to empty grandstands. I think catching a virus is low on the list of dangers that can befall a racing car driver.
May 20, 2020 0:18:21 GMT
chester: I know that I am late to the idea, but I have started wearing a mask while out in public. My Canadian officials have changed their stance from: not recommended to mildly suggested to strongly advised.
May 22, 2020 9:42:52 GMT
steelmonkey: Not only am I doing a zoom meeting in nice shirt and boxer shorts...I am ignoring boss and reading Tull news.
May 27, 2020 21:58:08 GMT