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Post by maddogfagin on Feb 17, 2010 8:37:47 GMT
A young couple wanted to join the church, the vicar told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.' The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the vicar ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the vicar inquired. 'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly. The vicar asked him what happened. 'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly. The vicar lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.' 'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase either.'
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Post by nonrabbit on Feb 18, 2010 8:39:40 GMT
Think this is in the right thread Best Album in the last 30 Years - according to the Brit Awards Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head Dido - No Angel Dire Straits - Brothers in Arms Duffy - Rockferry Keane - Hopes & Fears Oasis - (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? Phil Collins - No Jacket Required Sade - Diamond Life The Verve - Urban Hymns Travis - The Man Who Oasis won Liam prat Gallagher throws award into the crowd best bit when Peter Kay calls him....
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Post by steelmonkey on Feb 19, 2010 2:42:19 GMT
Thanks for the laugh watching Liam be Liam...I must admit...from that joke of a list, Morning Glory is the most palatable...only because 'Brothers in Arms' is Dire Straits worst album...at least 2 other DS albums beat Morning Glory...and the verve was okay for 10 minutes when, in fact, the drugs weren't working...the rest of the picks? Phooey!
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Post by nonrabbit on Feb 19, 2010 7:27:20 GMT
Thanks for the laugh...and the verve was okay for 10 minutes when, in fact, the drugs weren't working... ;D How's work Steel now that you have no distractions?
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Post by admin on Mar 6, 2010 10:00:37 GMT
An oldie but goodie (so it's probably been here already......) A woman brought a very obviously dead duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely a 100 percent certifiably dead duck." The vet turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, looked at the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan....... ."
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Post by maddogfagin on Apr 1, 2010 17:18:31 GMT
ESSEX HURRICANE APPEALA major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon . One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. **Breaking news** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry Alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked. "ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?
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Post by Col on Apr 2, 2010 12:33:13 GMT
LOL ;D Can confirm that not all bonafide Essex girls are like that tho Speaking of Essex, this is current news, although I think it belongs in the jokes, thread. £90k of taxpayers money to produce this masterpiece, drove past it yesterday and it looks even crappier in the flesh.
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Post by nonrabbit on Apr 2, 2010 13:16:48 GMT
LOL ;D Can confirm that not all bonafide Essex girls are like that tho Speaking of Essex, this is current news, although I think it belongs in the jokes, thread. £90k of taxpayers money to produce this masterpiece, drove past it yesterday and it looks even crappier in the flesh. Haha Love it That sign will be as iconic as the threatened Hollywood one - not! Mind you the name Basildon still has a long way to go to rival the place I lived in for years - Slough
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Post by maddogfagin on Apr 2, 2010 13:49:31 GMT
LOL ;D Can confirm that not all bonafide Essex girls are like that tho Speaking of Essex, this is current news, although I think it belongs in the jokes, thread. £90k of taxpayers money to produce this masterpiece, drove past it yesterday and it looks even crappier in the flesh. Haha Love it That sign will be as iconic as the threatened Hollywood one - not! Mind you the name Basildon still has a long way to go to rival the place I lived in for years - Slough We've got a castle - or what's left of it ;D
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tullist
Master Craftsman
Posts: 478
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Post by tullist on Apr 2, 2010 20:16:09 GMT
LOL ;D Can confirm that not all bonafide Essex girls are like that tho Speaking of Essex, this is current news, although I think it belongs in the jokes, thread. £90k of taxpayers money to produce this masterpiece, drove past it yesterday and it looks even crappier in the flesh. Please tell me there is more to this tale than that or the need for a public flogging is imminent. I know sometimes insane stuff like that gets passed as part of something larger, like in order to get this signifigant bit thru, I had to give these guys this bit, in this case a genuinely useless sign, but still, when I think how hard average workers have to work to make that amount I do get angry. Even the "iconic" one in Hollywood is of questionable value, although by now it is long since iconic. I think alot of folks if they ever saw Hollywood Blvd in person would have to be disapointed, like where that Mann Theater or whatever its called is is fairly tacky by my estimation, better American streets include Avenue of the Americas NYC, Michigan Ave in Chicago, or St Charles ave in New Orleans.
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Post by Col on Apr 2, 2010 20:55:52 GMT
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Post by nonrabbit on Apr 2, 2010 21:23:17 GMT
On that note I see your Basildon sign and raise you this i44.images obliterated by tinypic/1zntytk.jpg[/IMG] London's Orbit tower for the Olympics London's Eiffel Tower Cost? 19 million pounds Priceless
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Post by nonrabbit on Apr 17, 2010 7:06:26 GMT
.....listening to the newsreaders trying to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull... ;D
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Post by nonrabbit on May 30, 2010 9:45:56 GMT
saw this as someone's signature "The ladies brought you the Vaginal Monologues; now the gentlemen bring you Talking b*****s" ;D
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Post by maddogfagin on Jun 16, 2010 17:03:57 GMT
Thoughts on getting old(er) ;D
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Post by nonrabbit on Jun 25, 2010 16:25:20 GMT
A group of 40 year-old friends discussed where they should meet for dinner. > Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View > Restaurant because the waitress's there had low-cut blouses and were very > young. > > 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where > they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at > the Ocean View Restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine > selection was good also. > > 10 years later, at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where > they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at > the Ocean View Restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet > and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean. > > 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where > they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at > the Ocean View Restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair-accessible > and they even had an elevator. > > 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where > they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at > the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.
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Post by nonrabbit on Aug 2, 2010 21:36:04 GMT
Lightbulb jokes?
How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
- One ! And eight more to sing about how good the old one was !
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- One, as long as the lightbulb has made a commitment to change....
over to you
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Post by maddogfagin on Aug 3, 2010 7:51:06 GMT
How many politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They have machines that do that now.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
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Post by steelmonkey on Aug 5, 2010 23:12:14 GMT
hOW MANY FEMINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
one asshole...that's not funny
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Post by maddogfagin on Aug 10, 2010 17:30:04 GMT
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.... See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice! 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana. 6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 9. Sing Along At The Opera. 10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' 12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!' 13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity 14. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
It's called . . . . . . . therapy
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Post by nonrabbit on Aug 22, 2010 19:07:33 GMT
best jokes from the Edinbro Festival
"A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."
"I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad."
"To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"
"I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
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Post by nonrabbit on Sept 1, 2010 19:20:16 GMT
The Pope comes to Glasgow and asks "Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, wee Brendon got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Wee Brendon replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The Pope put one finger of one hand in Brendon’s ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a great prayer for Brendon, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Brendon, how is your hearing now?" Wee Brendon answered, "Ah don't know. It's no' 'til next week....."
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Post by steelmonkey on Sept 9, 2010 4:34:49 GMT
Working this week with a rare but real 'folie a deux'...that is, shared psychosis by two people, in this case a mother and son who both sincerely believe elements of the mexican mafia have gotten to their gardener who is now introducing cesium thru their vents to posion them not to mention other unspecified persecutors they both describe while insisting our locked ward is the only safe place ( they'll be discharged tomorrow) reminds me of a Classic Case ( Tull reference) :
For many years a patient in a London locked ward insisted he was Lord Nelson and could not be cured of this delusion. One day a new pt was admitted who announced he was Lord Nelson. The MDs, after conferring, decided it may be therapeutic to introduce the Lord Nelsons to each other and hope for a breakthrough...they did and the breakthrough was soon realized when the long term patient pranced out of the room and announced 'Gentlemen, I am afraid i have been suffering from a delusion all these years. I am not Lord Nelson' 'Excellent' answered the chief of psychiatry in front of the impressed staff. 'No' smiled the patient demurely 'I am Lady Nelson'
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Post by nonrabbit on Nov 3, 2010 18:53:02 GMT
A man is stopped by the Police at midnight, and asked where he's going.
"I'm on my way to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body".
The Policeman asks "Really? and who's going to give a lecture at this time of night?"
The driver replies, "My wife"
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Post by onewhiteduck on Nov 5, 2010 12:28:53 GMT
Q. What’s the difference between brain surgery and accordion music?
A. With brain surgery, you get anesthesia.
Enough of the f***ing accordion. Works well though on ' A Gift Of Roses' in my humble opinion
Cheers
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2010 15:31:53 GMT
Q. What’s the difference between brain surgery and accordion music? A. With brain surgery, you get anesthesia. Enough of the f***ing accordion. Works well though on ' A Gift Of Roses' in my humble opinion Cheers Totally agree! Enough!
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Post by maddogfagin on Jan 10, 2011 16:24:01 GMT
Two businessmen were opening a new shop and were sitting down for a break....
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the pensioner said, "Must be doing well... only two left."
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Post by nonrabbit on Jan 10, 2011 17:26:36 GMT
;D ;D ;D
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Post by nonrabbit on Jan 25, 2011 8:38:46 GMT
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward, and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit!"
Two friends are fishing near a bridge, suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over it. One of the men stands up takes off his cap puts down his rod and beer and bows his head. His mate says 'Dave, that's the nicest most respectful thing I've ever seen you do.' Dave said 'Well we were married for just over twenty years'. i53.images obliterated by tinypic/nqcwnl.jpg[/IMG]
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Post by maddogfagin on May 12, 2011 7:56:29 GMT
Senior moment - A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times. Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, but when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.) 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8. 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)
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