jioffe
Journeyman
... and the days of my youth!
Posts: 162
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Post by jioffe on Jan 28, 2009 13:14:37 GMT
Law of Men
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
I hope this clears up any confusion. Cheers, Jioffe.
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Post by bluehare on Jan 28, 2009 14:18:49 GMT
Man Law! I don't know if women have a full-on list like this, but you did just remind me of one tip for men concerning women. It comes from one of my daughter's friends.
If men would just learn to drop the word "that" from their discussions with women, they would be soooo much better off. As in:
1. Your butt doesn't look that big
2. You don't look that old
Or, here's a verrry subtle one...are you going to finish eating that?
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Post by steelmonkey on Jan 28, 2009 17:23:30 GMT
Men's relationships with other men can be broken down into three categories:
1) Men whose girlfriend you would never screw behind his back. 2) Men whose girlfriend you would screw behind his back...and feel bad about it. 3) Men whose girlfriend you would screw behind his back and feel good about it.
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Post by nonrabbit on Jan 28, 2009 17:50:11 GMT
Men's relationships with other men can be broken down into three categories: 1) Men whose girlfriend you would never screw behind his back. 2) Men whose girlfriend you would screw behind his back...and feel bad about it. 3) Men whose girlfriend you would screw behind his back and feel good about it. HA now there goes that theory that men don't put enough thought into a relationship
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Post by fatman on Feb 1, 2009 4:59:25 GMT
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? "Morris Fishbein," he replied. "Sir,how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years. "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a f#$kin wall"
Jeff
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Post by broadsword on Feb 1, 2009 9:26:46 GMT
A man went to see his doctor. "Now then Mr. Anderson, what seems to be the problem?" "Well doctor, I have this car steering wheel jammed in my trousers and it's driving me nuts"
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Post by bluehare on Feb 1, 2009 15:54:26 GMT
Okay. My first joke on this thread and if it doesn't emit an involuntary groan at the end, I have not done my job....
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
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Post by broadsword on Feb 4, 2009 21:54:53 GMT
I could have sworn I'd already posted this joke, but here goes anyway.....
2 Englishmen, 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen and 2 Welshmen were shipwrecked on a desert island.
A year later, the 2 Scotsmen had started a whisky distillery, the 2 Welshmen had started a choir, the 2 Irishmen were still fighting each other and the 2 Englishmen were still waiting to be formally introduced.
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Post by nonrabbit on Apr 22, 2009 7:40:48 GMT
Tom had been in the Police for 25 years.Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the Highlands as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at 5:00...
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you. As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you.Be some drinking'.
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us .
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Post by steelmonkey on May 2, 2009 4:07:15 GMT
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
“ Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who f**ked up your hair?"
Keep smiling!!!!!!!!!
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Post by steelmonkey on May 10, 2009 21:45:14 GMT
Quasimodo dies and the Abbe at Notre Dame is conducting auditions for a replacement bell-ringer....last in line is a man with no hands...who proceeds to amaze the Abbe with perfect pitch bell-ringing...by slamming his face against the giant bells. he is told he will get the job...and is so happy that he gets distracted and slips on the way out of the tower and falls out the window....a crowd gathers on the sideswalk, looking at the dead man...do you know who he is? the Abbe is asked.." No" he sadly replies " but his face rings a bell"
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Post by nonrabbit on Jun 1, 2009 21:53:16 GMT
Today's quote from our Prime Minister;
"We'll Clean Up System Before Election!"
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Post by steelmonkey on Jun 2, 2009 15:55:42 GMT
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.
That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men. What's your name?" she asked.
He said, "B. J. Titsengolf."
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Post by steelmonkey on Jun 13, 2009 21:04:01 GMT
A young guy from Colorado moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.
The Manager asks, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says, 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Colorado.'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many sales did you make today?'
'One.' The kid says.
'Just one!' the boss says, 'Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day - How much was the sale for?'
The kid says, '$101,237.65!'
The boss says, '$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook, then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'
The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
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Post by nonrabbit on Jun 24, 2009 6:39:45 GMT
The Master i40.images obliterated by tinypic/2zjdt1l.jpg[/IMG] A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down. 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy' I went to see my neighbour and knocked on their door. The lady of the house answered, I thought she looked a bit odd. I asked her if her husband was in. 'Johnny passed away this morning I'm afraid' she said. 'Oh dear, that's awful' I said 'What on earth happened?' 'Well he just told me that he felt a little poorly and took to his bed and that was it' I didn't know what to say. I asked if she was with him at the end. 'Yes. I was' she sobbed. I enquired if he managed any last words. 'Well, yes a few' she said. So I asked her, 'He didn't say anything about a tin of red paint did he?' Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin ;D ;D ;D
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rebecca
Master Craftsman
Posts: 458
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Post by rebecca on Jun 24, 2009 14:15:34 GMT
Those are fun - except I don't get the one about the red paint!
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Post by nonrabbit on Jun 25, 2009 22:05:31 GMT
Those are fun - except I don't get the one about the red paint! He went round to the house to borrow a tin of red paint he'd asked him about before ;D Mr Cooper was so dead pan and original - understatement
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Ten Beers
Prentice Jack
Can't find a taxi, can't find a bus...
Posts: 17
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Post by Ten Beers on Jun 30, 2009 17:51:00 GMT
2 cannibals were eating a clown, one says to the other... "Does this taste funny to you?"
What do you call it when a blond dies her hair? Artificial Intelligence
A man and woman get married and as they're moving in together the man sees the womans hope chest and asks "What's in that?" The woman replies that her hope chest is personal and she'd like to keep it that way. The man doesn't have a problem with that and never says another word about it. Years later the couple goes out for their 30th anniversary, as they're talking of the good times and bad times, the man says there's only one thing he's really curious about, her hope chest. The woman thinks for a bit and says, "It's been 30 yrs and you've never asked about it, when we get home I will show you whats in it." The man just can't wait! When they get home he goes straight up to the hope chest, his wife comes in and opens it up and he sees 3 ears of corn and $50,000 in cash. Bewildered the man asks, "What's with the 3 ears of corn?" The woman replies "The whole time we've been married, anytime I ever cheated on you I put an ear of corn in my hope chest." The man thinks 30 yrs, 3 ears of corn... "That's nothing babe! I still love you! ...But how did you manage to squirrel away $50,000 in cash?" The woman replied "Every time I got a bushel of corn I sold it."
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Post by broadsword on Jul 1, 2009 8:08:44 GMT
Two real oooo aarrrgh farmers were chatting outside the village pub, one says "'Ere george, one of moy cows 'as got real bad flu, that cow o' yours wot 'ad flu a while back, what d'you giv 'er?"
"Well, oy dun give 'er turpentine"
A week later, at the same pub......
"Ere George, that cow o'moyn wot ad flu, well I done give 'er turpentine and 'er doyd"
"Arr so did moyn"
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Post by steelmonkey on Jul 8, 2009 20:59:04 GMT
Fred and Larry get married in Iowa ... They couldn't afford a honeymoon. So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?' She replies, 'No.' Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school’ After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?' His mom says, 'No.' He asks, and ‘Do you know what I think?' His mom finally replies, ‘Ok, now tell me what you think?' He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue.
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Post by maddogfagin on Nov 15, 2009 8:22:21 GMT
The question is:
What Do Retired People Do All Day? Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a Traffic Warden writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a sh*t-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
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Post by maddogfagin on Dec 12, 2009 14:47:39 GMT
Risk assessment and legal considerations for Christmas
Jingle Bells: Dashing through the snow In a one horse open sleigh O'er the fields we go Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
While Shepherds Watched: While shepherds watched Their flocks by night All seated on the ground The angel of the Lord came down And glory shone around
The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
Little Donkey: Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
We Three Kings: We three kings of Orient are Bearing gifts we traverse afar Field and fountain, moor and mountain Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer: Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place
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Post by broadsword on Dec 12, 2009 15:22:30 GMT
Very good MD, made me laugh - stand back, rant coming.
The sad part is that we hear crap like this being issued by 'elf an' safety more and more. In a similar vein, we got a few "Christmas" cards which said "Happy Holidays" - don't upset minorities etc. Now, I 'ain't particularly religious, BUT, it's Christmas, so enjoy it, if it offends you, then bugger off some place else.
Phew, I need a drink.
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Post by maddogfagin on Dec 13, 2009 9:24:29 GMT
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland
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Post by maddogfagin on Jan 20, 2010 19:05:27 GMT
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
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Post by maddogfagin on Jan 20, 2010 19:08:11 GMT
A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:
'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'
'Do you know which ward she is in?'
'Yes, ward P, room 2B'
'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'
'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'
'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'
'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'
'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'
'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'
'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here
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Post by nonrabbit on Jan 24, 2010 9:07:00 GMT
Heightened Security Levels The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the b******". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case. New Zealand has also raised its security levels from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath). New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "sh1t, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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Post by nonrabbit on Jan 27, 2010 6:47:21 GMT
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.' Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'
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Post by maddogfagin on Feb 16, 2010 7:34:03 GMT
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the $h1t out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the $h1t out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an 66666666 and a briefcase.
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Post by nonrabbit on Feb 16, 2010 18:25:12 GMT
Think this is in the right thread Best Album in the last 30 Years - according to the Brit Awards Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head Dido - No Angel Dire Straits - Brothers in Arms Duffy - Rockferry Keane - Hopes & Fears Oasis - (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? Phil Collins - No Jacket Required Sade - Diamond Life The Verve - Urban Hymns Travis - The Man Who
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