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Post by admin on Mar 20, 2008 21:50:42 GMT
I'll start, beat this one......
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila!
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Post by TM on Mar 28, 2008 17:32:10 GMT
Oh that was bad!
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Post by broadsword on Apr 14, 2008 15:54:08 GMT
Cop this dreadful joke:
What did the mexican firechief name his twin sons?
Jose and Hose B
Ta Da
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Post by admin on Apr 16, 2008 20:20:19 GMT
Groan.....that was even worse than mine. Excellent work gringo. ;D
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre
So the barman gave her one ;D
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Post by admin on Apr 18, 2008 11:01:16 GMT
ALZHEIMERS PROTEST CHANT What do we want? I Don't know When do we want it. Want what?
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Post by broadsword on Apr 18, 2008 11:09:24 GMT
Right then, how's this:
How do you tell the difference between the 2 ends of a worm?
Put it in a bowl of flour and wait for it to fart
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jioffe
Journeyman
... and the days of my youth!
Posts: 162
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Post by jioffe on Apr 24, 2008 17:53:31 GMT
So I went into this Greek restaurant.
And I tell the waiter, "I'll have anything as long as it's not cheese!"
So he brings me this salad with these white cubes in it.
And there was nothing I could do.
It was a Feta Complis!
Cheers, Jeff.
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Post by broadsword on Apr 25, 2008 19:33:47 GMT
How about this: What's the difference between a Dachshund and a barrow boy?
A barrow boy bawls his wares on the pavement and a Dachshund has green eyes
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Post by admin on Jun 22, 2008 21:46:42 GMT
And what's worse is there's more.....
Ed Zachary Syndrome
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly.
"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously,
"Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
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Post by oldfart on Jun 24, 2008 15:33:16 GMT
A man gets up one morning to find his wife cooking.He looks in the pan to see one of his socks."What are you doing"He asks. "Exactly what you asked me to do when you came to bed drunk last night" Puzzled the man walks away thinking to himself"I dont remember askin her to cook my sock"
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Post by admin on Jun 30, 2008 10:09:25 GMT
If Tommy Cooper were alive today.........
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels. He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builder today & said to him "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo". He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
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Post by electrocutas on Jul 7, 2008 10:21:41 GMT
An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks'.
A German doctor said, 'that's nothing! In Germany , we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks'.
A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks'.
The English doctor, not to be outdone, said, 'Hah! We can take 66666666s out of Scotland , put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours'.
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Post by admin on Jul 30, 2008 11:55:53 GMT
Heard this on the radio this morning and it made me chuckle.
what's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays three chords to a thousand people and a Jazz guitarist plays a thousand chords to three people.
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Post by maddogfagin on Aug 13, 2008 8:31:40 GMT
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?" "We'll see," says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy, "The hamster is also a vantriloquist."
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Post by steelmonkey on Aug 24, 2008 1:51:16 GMT
I work in a hospital so you get MD jokes:
Guy goes the Dr. with a banana up one nostril, a carrot up the other, tomato smeared on his ear and mashed potatoes in his hair. 'Whats the matter with me doc?'
'you're not eating right'
MD man picks up MD woman at a conference...they go to a hotel...after the act he asks her 'Are you a gynecologist?...you sure know something about muscles down there'
'yeah, I am...are you an anestheseologist? I didn't feel a thing!'
Why do gay men check out of hotels early? They get their $h1t packed the night before.
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Post by maddogfagin on Aug 26, 2008 7:35:21 GMT
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked. Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile. Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.
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Post by steelmonkey on Aug 27, 2008 3:02:41 GMT
old guy and wife go to Israel, she dies and they ask if he wants her buried there, 100 bucks or shipped home for a thousand. ship her home he says. why? they wonder...awhile back a guy was buried here and came back to life...I ain't takin' no chances.
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Post by electrocutas on Sept 2, 2008 8:39:56 GMT
I really like Blonds (but dont tell my wife)
A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
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Post by steelmonkey on Sept 2, 2008 22:57:36 GMT
Why did the blond stare at the orange juice carton? It said 'concentrate' Why wouldn't the blond leave the shower? The shampoo said 'lather, rinse, repeat.'
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Post by broadsword on Sept 3, 2008 20:33:09 GMT
Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains
Oh come on Mr. Knowles, pull yourself together
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Post by broadsword on Sept 3, 2008 20:34:55 GMT
Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a snooker ball
You'll have to wait Mr. Knowles, please join the queue
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Post by admin on Sept 4, 2008 8:57:09 GMT
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
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Post by broadsword on Sept 6, 2008 21:00:07 GMT
A man walks into a pub with his pet newt on his shoulder, strides up to the bar and says to the barman "Pint of Guinness for me and a diet coke for Tiny please".
The barman says "Why do you call him Tiny?"
The man says "Because he's my newt"
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Post by nonrabbit on Sept 8, 2008 22:12:11 GMT
A bar is empty except for two patrons. One of them staggers over to the other and says, "How's it going? Where you from?" The other guy says "Ireland." The first drunk says "That's cool! I'm from Ireland too! Let's have a round for Ireland!" They both drink merrily. Then the first guy says "So where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin." "Dublin? Awesome! I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another round for Dublin!" Once again, they both drink merrily. Then the first guy asks, "So where did you go to school?" "St. Mary's, class of '62" answers the other guy. "Incredible! I graduated in '62 from St. Mary's, too! Let's have a round for St. Mary's!" Once again, they suck down another round.
Just then, one of the bar regulars walks in and sits at the bar. He asks the bartender, "So what's going on today?" The bartender answers, "Nothing... The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
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Post by TullSkull on Sept 9, 2008 1:36:10 GMT
Ok All You Golfers.......... WHAT IS THE WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF? MONICA LEWINSKY O.J. SIMPSON TED KENNEDY BILL CLINTON "Why?" You ask? Well... MONICA ~~~~ IS A HOOKER O.J. ~~~~~ IS A SLICER TED ~~~~~ CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER AND...BILL ~~~~~~~~~~ CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST!
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quizzkid
Master Craftsman
Spin me back down the years...
Posts: 297
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Post by quizzkid on Sept 10, 2008 16:52:48 GMT
Sorry, incoming blond joke....
What do you call a beautiful blond who thinks she is intelligent?
A foxymoron.
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quizzkid
Master Craftsman
Spin me back down the years...
Posts: 297
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Post by quizzkid on Sept 10, 2008 17:02:37 GMT
A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping up and down unclothed on her bed, squealing with delight.
Her husband enters the room, watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old arse?'
'Your name never came up,' she replied
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Post by onewhiteduck on Sept 11, 2008 15:24:33 GMT
Dee Palmer has decided she wants to go back to being plain old Dave. The reverse sex change operation, astrapadictomy (its full medical term) will take later later this week at a private hospital in London.
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Post by TullSkull on Sept 12, 2008 1:19:47 GMT
Becky was driving cross country. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked a Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
After a bit of small talk while resuming the journey, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Becky.
"What's in the bag?" asked the woman.
Becky looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."
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Post by maddogfagin on Sept 14, 2008 7:56:55 GMT
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind but I do have one more question.'
'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over.........'
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